15Dec04

I can’t have you.

Oh, I think of you all the time. Hoping. Wondering. Wanting. I talk to you, now and then. But you seem so far away. Apart. I insist on you leaving me alone. And then I slowly break apart, inside, thinking what a fool I am. I watch you with the others, laughing, chatting, sharing. With me, it isn’t anything special. Everyday conversation. Some warmth that soon fades away into the next day. Sometimes you tell me about your desires, but only the lesser ones, the simpler ones, like wanting to watch sunrises and people on the boards. There are times when I catch myself looking at you with naked feeling, then I let the mask slip over. I know you are perplexed. For a person so friendly with the others, why am I so cold with you? Because of the fear. The fear of losing the little I have. Because of cold stones on my finger. Because of the barriers we both have erected. Because of the circumstances life has thrown at us.

I cannot have you.

And it isn’t such a great feeling.

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