04Feb05

I have tried so hard but everything I want is left dangling out of my reach.

I have been a terrible friend. I have been so busy feeling sorry for myself that I haven’t noticed my friends wanting me to stick by them. I have denounced people and broken hearts but I have failed to understand reason, I have failed to protect.

I have realized that if I read all those old Jacobean tragedies by Tourneur or Jonson, I can forget. And maybe forgive, of what’s left to forgive. These tragedies are really funny…with talking skulls and poisoned lips. The portrayal of women is even funnier. They are weeping damsels who won’t hesitate to stick a dagger in the back. I think I am like a Jacobean damsel.

The other day a friend wanted me to help her sort out some issues she has been having with her boyfriend. I looked her squarely in the eye and said – ‘Darling, you want fuck advice from a person who cries over people she hasn’t met?’ Needless to say, it was quite the cathartic moment. The session ended in a lot of laughter. My friends are the coolest. The attached boyfriends are sometimes irritating, but still, they are harmless.

The other day, I attended an evening of French folk songs at the Alliance Francais with Vinay. Hey, Vinay sure is funny. The songs were pleasant to hear and we had dinner at Churchill later. Some Italian nonsense. We had a debate about good and evil…Vinay says that who decides what is good or evil? Everything is an illusion. While I wanted to tell him to stop giving me that philosophical shit, I had to agree. We humans decide everything. Starting from the higher species of living things to issues of good and bad. A friend once talked about experience. I still don’t agree with those views, but it’s another thing V and I shall discuss.

It is with a considerably lighter heart that I shall travel to NYC. Sometimes the good things in life have been staring you right in the face all this while, but you chose not to look. You chose to look for things elsewhere, get your hopes, aspirations dashed and then return to your own backyard. But when you do discover the things you have been missing out on all this while, it is a beautiful moment. A very beautiful moment.

To talk of sadder, heavier things…while I may have loved, been scorned or laughed at, I know I have come off as stronger. Rejection is something I am terribly frightened of, but like Vinay says, the very fact that I was able to identify and feel the emotion, that makes me slightly more nobler, more heroic perhaps.

However, we modern day rejected heroes won’t have to cry any more. Just look around, there will be a Vivek, Vinay, Nachiket, Subash or Imran to cheer you up. You don’t have to pretend to love them, just have fun.

And you can afford to look smug. How many people can talk of falling in love?

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One Response to “”

  1. 1 Ashok

    It is true that forgive and forget are often paired. But the urge to force in the other one when only one makes sense should be resisted. I am referring to this: tragedies by Tourneur or Jonson, I can forget. And maybe forgive, of what’s left to forgive. You’ve done this in some other place too.

    The introductory paragraph seems inappropriate for a blog post. I know people often write such things for their own (and occasionally for others’) amusement and, rarely, to help themselves understand better whatever they’re writing about. I think they bore readers.


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