Unspoken – Part 1

16Mar05

When I told you about my very first boyfriend, you said that you’d break my legs. When you got yours some two years after, I said ‘Oh’ and let the matter rest. You were always such a tough kid. You look for approval from either mum or dad…but when it’s my turn to say I am proud of you, you pass me over, as if I do not matter. I have seen you fight for what you think is right and I always enjoy that easy way of yours by which you neatly divide the black from the white. You look at me with scorn every time I ask you to behave yourself or talk politely. Who am I to you anyway?

I see the Sharma girls hugging each other every chance they get, laughing together and making those ‘disgusting mice-like sounds’ as you so sarcastically put it. If I try to even touch your things, without a by your leave, I get to hear a long tirade about your things being exclusively yours. And if I ever make the mistake of entering your room without knocking first, I am subject to cold stares and curt lines about privacy mattering to some people.

Sometimes it is a delight to watch you do things in abandon. Your no-nonsense ponytail flapping in the wind as you run towards your friends, long legs pounding the turf. I cannot believe that the young, vibrant woman I see shouting in glee is my sister. Sometimes I catch you staring intently when I hum a tune or two.
‘Nice ear for music you’ve got there.’ is the curt rejoinder as you look away.

One day I decided to e-mail you and tell you what I have been wanting to say to you all my life.
‘Kiddo’, I wrote, ‘when I see Ankit and Mitu making those eww-like sounds, being pathetically dependent on each other, I am glad that we don’t do such weird, disgusting things. You are one tough lass…always keep the head high…stay cool.’

Once I had sent it, I realized that I hadn’t said what I actually wanted to say. I wanted to tell you that you mean a lot to me even though you profess to hate me more than loving me. Sometimes when I see you upset with your silly, giggling friends, it takes me a great deal of control not to envelop you in a bear hug. I could never bear the rejection that will follow.

Today. As we stand at crossroads, me ready to join the hordes of working people and you ready to enter into your first-degree year, all I want to say is you are my no 1 sister. I love you even though sometimes I feel like giving you a well deserved whack. I want you to know that if you ever walk ahead of me and lose me in the ensuing crowd, all you need to do is turn around. You’ll find me waiting in the same spot.

I wish I could give you a tight hug and reassure you that you are loved. But I know you will just push me away and say something acerbic.

Just don’t walk away from me without looking back.

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6 Responses to “Unspoken – Part 1”

  1. 1 shaan

    woooh !!
    a piece of art …..
    a slice of unadulterated love !!
    what else .. Tanushree d best !!

  2. 2 Ashok

    I hope it was fiction. Because if it was not then I’d have to say you forced those feelings upon yourself.

    Trite and bromide-heavy, but okay.

  3. 3 Aesa

    hey i jus randomly searched for blogspot users who like the book sons n lovers to such an extent tht it figures in their fav books list! well am a girl and am 19 and am frm mumbai though not studyin in mumbai….. ur blog seems interesting.. keep it that way, very few people can make fucked up evryday life sound like a piece of classic literature..

  4. 4 livinghigh

    hey, tanu – i stumbled over here from Vivek’s blog. Was really bowled over by ure little ode to sis. 😉 she’s pretty lucky, methinks! 😉 tc, and don’t worry, am sure she’ll be FINE!

  5. 5 Naresh

    Cool one…. Is this fiction r is it true feelings??
    neway, how was ur paper??? no blog 4 sooo long… pen down err punch down sth na! audience wtng…

  6. 6 Sarat Chandra Addepalli

    whatever you do i’ll be 2 steps behind you

    where ever you go i’ll be there to remind you

    that it only takes a minute
    of your precious time
    to turn around

    i’ll be 2 steps behind you

    –Def Leppard

    guess that says it all…
    that protective love, that sibling care…
    it really makes me miss my bro…


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