22Jan07

We parted in silence. Maybe you could not look at me. Bear to even know me any longer. You gathered your bags as I quietly looked away. I could not bear to look at you either.

I half-smiled and waved you away. In silent farewell. You refused to take me in your arms. You refused to tell me that I was just a warm piece of willing flesh. We bid adieu in mundane silence and I watched you walk into the airport. You have such a tall, proud body. You walk as if you are weighing everyone and they all fall short. You walk as if you own the world. So much pulsating confidence. And for one night. One night only. I will pretend you are mine.

These past two weeks have been excruciating. Agonized frustration as tableaus of our conversation flit in and flit out of my mind. I can go mad. Without you. I know I will lose this last drop of sanity if I see you by surprise. I will go completely mad.

I can still feel your warm lips over mine. Your unshaven cheek against my throat. The feel of your heart against my palm. The crush of your beautifully lithe body on me. Your breath like a thousand cotton clouds whispers to me. That I have lost you.

Perhaps we can never lose that which we never had. But I miss you. Everything aches. Everything. I feel anger with God for giving you to me and then taking you away with such cold calculating violence. Is He laughing at me? Those cruel eyes seeking out those who I will receive only to lose later. My faith is being tested and still I hope.

I hope you will remember me sometimes. I hope you will read Marquez and think of the girl who gave it to you. The girl who could not decide between the red earrings. The girl who listened to the Beatles with so much joy. I hope you will not compare me to your other women. And I hope you will not remember me with dismissal in your heart.

I had you only for a day. All you have to do is return and look at me. That one look that stops my heart, my rather foolish heart. And I will be yours forever.

If only those thousand clouds hadn’t spoken out, hadn’t reached out to me.

I will miss you dreadfully.

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