Fury

03Mar11

When I was younger, I watched my friend shatter as she started a long tough battle with clinical depression. I could not handle the pressure of being there for her, and I may be judged as being a horrible friend, but I could not deal with the aimless crying, the constant tears, the letting go of a certain sense of self. The last close moment I remember spending with her was stroking her brow, smoothening away her wrinkles, ineffectually saying ssh it’s going to be alright, while she wept. I felt utterly useless, helpless, and unknown to me that time; I felt the first stirrings of fury. And I promised myself, I would never let myself suffer the way she was suffering. I’d be stronger, and in charge of my emotions.

As we grew older, she started seeing a therapist, took prescription medication, got many college degrees, netted a great man, ultimately married him and is now living happily in another country. And I am truly happy for her.

I, on the other hand, have failed to keep my promise to myself. Almost a decade after that fateful balmy evening, as I watched her weep, crying quietly inside myself, I have nothing to show, absolutely nothing to show for what I hoped my dreams would be. I didn’t take college seriously, I do not have a loving relationship with my mother, I have allowed myself to be treated awfully by a less than honorable man, and I do not have a stellar career to make up for the blanks. As I watch friends start new phases in their lives, be it marriage, children, a new career, I feel fury again. At being such an idiot, for letting go of so many important moments. I can’t seem to shake off this sense of dread, this tight lead ball of unease that has settled itself in my stomach permanently. And I am afraid I am going to lose my sense of self very soon. For I have been googling ‘symptoms of anxiety attacks’ since the past couple days.

I am not adjusting well. I am furious. I am furious he gets to have all that he wants, the marriage, the happy ever after. I am furious I let myself behave so unlike me just because I am desperate for the attention. I am furious I can’t take better care of my body. I am furious my career is stalled. I am furious with God. I am furious with my family and most of all, I am just furious to be here.

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