I know of pain.

22Aug11

I am no stranger to pain. I have faced it throughout my lifetime. Pain and disappointment are just two of the life-suck things that do not seem to leave me alone.

The first instinct is to run away when faced with a situation that threatens to overwhelm. Guilt and fury at God for putting me through comes with this too. I know of cruelty. I know of sadness.

I have met my share of people who overly react to everything around them. I expect this. But when the one person you were least expecting to be outraged at something seemingly innocent, you want to run away. And hide.

If you were here, I wish I could tell you how saddened you have made me. It’s true I spoke without thinking. But I spoke so you knew what I needed. I chose personal channels to communicate yet you turned it around and cheapened it. And that’s what I don’t understand.

Both times, I am not saying I have been the most exemplary human being, or the most understanding. But both times, I have felt something genuine and real. And both times, fate makes it so that it feels sullied.

I love a good drama. I enjoy emotion. But I have been facing so much of it these days. Emotion, drama, and pain. My heart cannot stop constricting in fear and sorrow in anticipation of what you might do.

You say you are not a good person. You said things like how I overstepped boundaries and ruined friendships. You mentioned legalities and disappointment.

Do you know how all that made me feel?

It made me feel like dirt. It made me regret ever having those feelings, it makes me feel such disappointment in you, me, and our old friendship.

Now the friendship will slow-fade. The ease of our conversations will turn into stilted hellos and goodbyes. We won’t share looks over mutual delight, jokes. You will never smile at me.

And again, I don’t understand this life lesson.

All I can do is have hope you will come around and we can pick up our friendship. All I can do is hope my feelings do not show and that I keep this clean and indifferent with you.

Clean and indifferent. Two things none of my relationships can never be.

All I want to do now is run away. But I know that is not the solution.

So what I will do now is smile, listen carefully and not mention how my heart is slowing breaking. I will not look at you, I will make sure we are never alone in the same room. I won’t share meals and laughter with you. And tell you of my hopes and dreams.

And maybe soon, that’s what you will become. Just another shattered dream. Just another person who adds to my pain.

Like you said, business as usual.

 

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One Response to “I know of pain.”

  1. 1 nishm

    Really Loved it! awesome


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