The weekend brought in a horrible hangover, endless rain and a feeling of inadequacy. No warm feelings here.

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Ever since I was a kid, I had this idea I would have a large friend circle and hang out and do lots of fun things together. To my 14 year old self, having lots of friends was the epitome of coolness and how other people perceived me.

As time went along, my friend circle started shrinking. In college, I had no large ‘hang out’ group, I probably had a couple girlfriends from my major class, that’s it. No BFFs, no best buddies, no one. Of course, I also had theatre and social work (Akanksha) so I was pretty busy.

I was thinking about this stuff – having friends and knowing what to do with them. It’s been almost a decade since I left college, and while nostalgia is the worst form of regret, I remember my college days as lovely architecture, hot summer days, bus rides and very long walks home. The only people I remember are probably my English Literature professors and the guy who sold the best Masala sandwiches outside campus.

Today, I have one person I can call my best friend and maybe two people I can call close friends. These are the people I love to meet, chat with, go to when I am sad and need a pep talk. They know everything about me (even though I met some of them as recently as 3 years ago) but I know they are in it for the long haul because they have seen it all. I am incredibly grateful for them and I will do anything for them, especially my best friend.

So coming to the subject of other friends – over the past couple years, I find I am acting more and more like a dick when it comes to people I don’t really get along with. And by that mean, people who make me feel stilted or like a useless under achiever or who are selfish and think of only themselves. So I have fired them.

There was a girl who I really tried to like but who cancelled on me last minute (she was supposed to meet me for a concert but bailed last minute because apparently she had to delivery of a new TV set at her place, therefore by extension, her 2 room mates and boyfriend all could not make it) – she really got on my nerves after this point. I tried to skim over this, I never brought it up so I am partly to blame, but every time I wanted to make plans with her, I kept thinking back of the no show concert day and it would annoy me all over again. So, friendship terminated.

Recently, another acquaintance wanted my help with a special project. I did my best to help as much as possible, with daily long calls on progress and introductions to my contacts who could assist him. But when I found out he was making decisions without letting me know (my biggest grouse was not that he made those decisions, but that he never told me he was making them), my trust levels were reset to zero and our friendship got handed the pink slip. Mostly by me. But it feels like he handed in one too because whatever happened to trying harder?

I like to think I am an easy going person, and that my tolerance levels are pretty high. I hope I made the right decision because I do love people and communities – it would be horrible if I am incapable of making any friends.

However, if you have a friend who makes you uncomfortable, and who makes you behave in a way that is not true to your centre, my advice would be to fire the shit out of them.

After all, we all die alone, don’t we?


Ferris Wheel

02Oct13

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I once wrote a rather depressing poem about a Ferris wheel. It went something like:

The abandoned ferris wheel

Now sits in the corner of a dusty field

Once, a thousand children would clutch their parents hands

As they went free wheeling through the air

That red Ferris wheel all lit up

Proudly showing off the joyous squealing of the young and the brave

New lovers creating more romance

And the married sitting in comfortable silence

That old Ferris Wheel

That trove of a countless hot summer night memories.


Joy is…

19Sep13

Getting a sudden window seat in a crowded bus.

Finding out AdMob has been acquired by Google. I did jumping jacks all over my living room squealing ‘OMG I am going to get my old email back’

Listening to the Singapore Philharmonic begin the opening bars of the Star Wars theme. It gave me goosebumps.

Watching Edward Watson dance. He makes ballet really come alive for me.

Singing.

Attending vocal lessons and being coached by a wonderful teacher.

Being appreciated by my parents.

Finally getting my hands on a book after a long period of waiting.

Reading.

Drinking tea made just the way I like it. (Black tea leaves brewed and sweet with a drop of cold milk)

Talking to clients and watching their faces light up when offered a solution.

Leaping in jete style with close friends by the river. (I did this and it was way more fun than I expected)

Watching awesome movies. (Pacific Rim, Iron Man, The Avengers)

Hearing great movie themes. And then imagining them to be the OST of your already awesome life.

Coming home to family.


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Last week, a colleague distributed these gorgeous papery pink roses to celebrate Chinese Valentines Day. A friend of mine jokingly thus said: The Chinese have their own version of everything. So true!


Ah! Sunflower

01Sep13

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Ah! sunflower, weary of time,

Who countest the steps of the sun,

Seeking after that sweet golden clime

Where the traveller’s journey is done;

Where the youth pined away with desire,

And the pale virgin shrouded in snow,

Arise from their graves and aspire;

Where my sunflower wishes to go.

– William Blake

My father is currently in hospital. The office sent him some flowers with fruit. Sunflowers are so maddeningly cheerful. They are bright and yellow with a dark velvety middle. Obnoxious sun followers.


  1. All hotel rooms start looking the same at the 5th hotel mark.
  2. All cities look the same too. No matter whether it is Singapore or Kuala Lumpur.
  3. You get into easy conversations with taxi drivers. And learn more about them than the person next to you on a 12 hour flight.
  4. Meals become a memory. You eat only when you remember to.
  5. All metros and public transportation across the world look similar. You will never fumble while buying a metro card and you will feel a tiny bit condescending to the tourist who looks scared of the shiny ticket machines.
  6. You can complete airline check in processes in 10 minutes (at any given day, I kid you not)
  7. Google Maps is your friend. Your smartphone is your BFF.
  8. Travel will never be romanticized. To you, travel is a way of life. You will have zero expectations for making new friends on a flight, or falling in love with a hot Latino in Ibiza.
  9. You will know every detail of your data plan. And by every, every byte of data – you know what it’s costing you. And there will be the noob times when your phone bill (mostly from data) can rent you an apartment for a month.
  10. Every time you return home, you leave a small part of you behind. It can be a memory, a currency note, a laptop charger converter.



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