You say you are distanced
You think your silence will take you far away from me
You do things that may break me
But even your distances are next to me
Your silences are the loudest
And the things you do, I support them the most
So when you are finished fighting an uncaring world
I’ll be here, waiting to welcome you back home.
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Friends gasp and say I should be your enigma

That I should be mysterious and not give anything away

They advise me to hold all my cards close to my chest

They mean well, they follow their rules

 

What they should know is, I have stopped being an idea

I have stopped blindly climbing over hills and wading through knee deep streams

I have stopped being what the world says I must be

I have stopped the sophistication and I have peeled away a thousand layers of skin deep nonsense

 

What my friends should know is, I give myself willingly to you

I kneel, and yet I am strong

I surrender, but I haven’t lost

I offer you my mortal belongings

And I offer you my future

 

If that is too much, if you are unable to grasp the concept

Let me just say this; I was not who I am now

And if you stay, I will be who I am today.

 

So will you lead me over the hills and wade through streams with me?


Beloved —

May this day never end

 

Come, this day will be preserved in time

Let us race behind the sun rays

May we never touch those shadows

Oh beloved.

 

The tired sun will pass over the waters of the river

If your feet move over those green plains, you shall slip

 

But wait, I shall cast a net

You hold it by the back, I will lend a hand

And the day will never end.

 

You and I and our quarrels

We forgive with a touch of our lips

Never, never leave

Oh beloved.

 

Sometimes, think about this —

I will scold and you pretend at fear

Heavy eyes lead to false tears

and when it begins to feel all bitter

we will let it go

 

You and I together always

There really is no other state

 

We are joined, in body, with our souls

Together, we will lead.

Oh darling. Beloved, may the day never end

May the shadows never touch you.

 

Oh beloved.


This world you have brought me to, an unearthly place which stealthily captures attention and steals my breath. A secret garden where hope tenderly walks me through showering bowers with rose petals at our feet. The home of my imagination which until now was incomplete. This world you have brought me to, this ethereal field of dreams shimmers with the promise of magical things. I do not know what those might be and yet, I can see them in the curve of your smile. In the dents of your cheeks where I could dip my fingers in. This world you have brought me to, is it a planet that gifts you hallucinations and encourages a descent into madness? Or is it Eden, where we feel no shame in our nakedness, ever loved, ever cared for by a power we do not understand? Perhaps it is the blue glow of a window overrun by wires, that sucks you in into words and characters, making you unable to rejoin what I have mistaken for reality. What is this world you have brought me to? I see kindness in your eyes here, and everywhere. There is truth in my heart and nothing else. My lips only speak the lines I want to say, without fear or embarrassment, for my heart trusts you seconds ago, this minute, next year. Will we stay here? Will we leave? It doesn’t matter, for now. Let us sit here, on this bench by the sea, and look out at this world you have brought me to.


You did not come,
And marching Time drew on, and wore me numb,—
Yet less for loss of your dear presence there
Than that I thus found lacking in your make
That high compassion which can overbear
Reluctance for pure lovingkindness’ sake
Grieved I, when, as the hope-hour stroked its sum,
You did not come.
You love not me,
And love alone can lend you loyalty;
–I know and knew it. But, unto the store
Of human deeds divine in all but name,
Was it not worth a little hour or more
To add yet this: Once you, a woman, came
To soothe a time-torn man; even though it be
You love not me?

The weekend brought in a horrible hangover, endless rain and a feeling of inadequacy. No warm feelings here.

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Ever since I was a kid, I had this idea I would have a large friend circle and hang out and do lots of fun things together. To my 14 year old self, having lots of friends was the epitome of coolness and how other people perceived me.

As time went along, my friend circle started shrinking. In college, I had no large ‘hang out’ group, I probably had a couple girlfriends from my major class, that’s it. No BFFs, no best buddies, no one. Of course, I also had theatre and social work (Akanksha) so I was pretty busy.

I was thinking about this stuff – having friends and knowing what to do with them. It’s been almost a decade since I left college, and while nostalgia is the worst form of regret, I remember my college days as lovely architecture, hot summer days, bus rides and very long walks home. The only people I remember are probably my English Literature professors and the guy who sold the best Masala sandwiches outside campus.

Today, I have one person I can call my best friend and maybe two people I can call close friends. These are the people I love to meet, chat with, go to when I am sad and need a pep talk. They know everything about me (even though I met some of them as recently as 3 years ago) but I know they are in it for the long haul because they have seen it all. I am incredibly grateful for them and I will do anything for them, especially my best friend.

So coming to the subject of other friends – over the past couple years, I find I am acting more and more like a dick when it comes to people I don’t really get along with. And by that mean, people who make me feel stilted or like a useless under achiever or who are selfish and think of only themselves. So I have fired them.

There was a girl who I really tried to like but who cancelled on me last minute (she was supposed to meet me for a concert but bailed last minute because apparently she had to delivery of a new TV set at her place, therefore by extension, her 2 room mates and boyfriend all could not make it) – she really got on my nerves after this point. I tried to skim over this, I never brought it up so I am partly to blame, but every time I wanted to make plans with her, I kept thinking back of the no show concert day and it would annoy me all over again. So, friendship terminated.

Recently, another acquaintance wanted my help with a special project. I did my best to help as much as possible, with daily long calls on progress and introductions to my contacts who could assist him. But when I found out he was making decisions without letting me know (my biggest grouse was not that he made those decisions, but that he never told me he was making them), my trust levels were reset to zero and our friendship got handed the pink slip. Mostly by me. But it feels like he handed in one too because whatever happened to trying harder?

I like to think I am an easy going person, and that my tolerance levels are pretty high. I hope I made the right decision because I do love people and communities – it would be horrible if I am incapable of making any friends.

However, if you have a friend who makes you uncomfortable, and who makes you behave in a way that is not true to your centre, my advice would be to fire the shit out of them.

After all, we all die alone, don’t we?




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